Pills Rattle

I am not a poet. But I am trying to get myself ready for a semester of Capstone work, and this is what came out from thinking about my Capstone this evening. Maybe posting this is the therapeutic part of writing it. Enjoy!

In her dreams
He's
One giant pill
The big blue rectangle, not the harmless white circle
And she can’t tell the difference
Between that
And the real thing

She thinks she should stop him
But there’s nothing you can do, she tells herself
You’re only 16, she says to the mirror
He did this to himself, she whispers to her teddy bear
But it doesn’t help
Dull the pain she feels
For letting it happen to him

The guilt keeps building
Everywhere she is, Guilt is too
Until she thinks she’s going to break
Burst at the fraying thread seams
And the burden of keeping it a secret cripples her
And she wonders how they don’t know

Pills rattle again and again
Disappearing one after another after another
Until there is nothing left of him
Her parents don’t notice
Until it is much too late to save him
Mother cries, Father yells
Then Father cries and Mother yells
And they ask her: did she know?

Did she know?

I'm back, with my tail between my legs, begging forgiveness

I'm ashamed to have to admit to how poor of a blogger I have been, and still am. I'm young. I'm hip. Aren't I? I'm a product of the digital age. I have electricity now and a fancy, schmancy desktop that is just aching to be used for more than playing The Sims. And I'm a writer. I should be ON TOP of the blogging scene. I should be the blogging master. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm a paper elitist. I like to handwrite things. I don't think there's anything better than putting a pen to paper and seeing what comes out.

And I'll tell you something else: I don't like to do things half-assed. If I can't commit myself to something 100%, I don't see the point in doing it, and so I just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. I started this blog last year because one of my professors told us that we had to start blogging and what came out was stiff, rigid, and blatantly academic. You can take a look--all those things labeled, "Capstone, Core, Champlain" etc. are all assignments that I completed for a class. The blog didn't feel like mine and so I just kind of gave up on it after the semester ended. But now I'm back and I've got a whole new "taking my life back" attitude, and guess what? I'm taking my blog back.

I think I need this blog. I think it will be therapeutic to start writing again. And I mean, really writing. About more than just assignments and class work. I want to write about things that interest me and that don't involve Champlain College. I've been in a rut lately. People used to call me the Love Doctor because I always wrote love stories, but I haven't been feeling very loving for a while now, and so I've been lost in my writing. What does a Love Doctor do when they aren't feeling loving? That's something that I've been struggling with. But as I said, I'm taking my life back. I'm taking my love back.

So, I'm sorry that I've been shitty. I've been just as shitty to be around in person, I can promise you. But I'm going to try to be better now and keep this thing updated more than once in a millennia. And who knows what will happen? Maybe we can build a beautiful friendship.

<3