The only reason I am even remotely excited to move back in with my parents: my apartment: a review

Sitting dead center in a swarm of fruit flies, I can't even make out the walls of my apartment enough to find the front door. Luckily, the hallway is so narrow that I can easily reach out and touch the wall regardless of where I am standing in the hall. I stumble my way into the bathroom only to discover that the light, which is cleverly hidden behind the mirror, has been haunted by the phantom in our apartment again, which doesn't  allow a light bulb to last more than a week before blowing. If hideous were a physical being, it would look like our bathroom. Our small, need-to-stand-on-the-toilet-to-shut-the-door bathroom that's trying to look cute with the pink vomited on the floors and walls, but just looks like it's trying too hard. A lot of people think that my roommate and I have destroyed the bathroom with our lack of cleanliness, but the mold in the shower is the product of years of neglect. No one could do that much damage in a year.

Exiting the bathroom, you'll notice that you're conveniently located in the kitchen, only it isn't convenient at all because who wants to be cooking a meal when their roommate is literally right beside you using the bathroom? That thought aside, the kitchen is well equipped with an Easy-Bake Oven sized oven that will surely make preparing a meal difficult despite the overwhelming growling in your stomach. You could always use the microwave you bought on sale at Kmart, but that generally causes a power shortage for the whole apartment, so it's probably easier to wait the hour longer than the box suggests to cook your food in the oven. Just don't expect to host Thanksgiving dinner at your place this year.

Leaving the kitchen, you're back in the way-too-narrow hallway, making your way to the bedrooms. You have two options here: the teeny tiny room with the built-in shelving complete with cow pattern and no lights, or the much larger bedroom where the heat doesn't work and the window has a terrible draft. Don't worry too much because both rooms are equally unappealing aesthetically and you won't want to walk around without shoes in either room. The choice really can be decided by the flip of a coin.

Last, and certainly least, you'll find yourself in the living room. The living room with the closets in it because the bedrooms are too small to house them, and the living room which could be a nice sized room if only the ceiling wasn't slanted in such a way that you can barely stand up. Tall people: proceed with caution. In the living room you will find our "dirty" coloring book wall and a poster of Barbie and Ken, which came with the apartment. The furniture is all Recycle North and stolen from Spinner, which adds a very homey Poor College kid vibe that both comforts and repulses.

The moral: when looking for apartments in Burlington, choose your apartment for the apartment, not for the price tag.

Me, myself, and I

In honor of yesterday, my roommate Leah and I hosted an "I hate Valentine's Day" potluck at our apartment and, of course, watched Garry Marshall's Valentine's Day as a part of the festivities. And there was one scene that actually made me stop and think. One character insightfully said: "When you love someone, you love ALL of them. Not just the good parts, but the bad ones too." It's a wonderful sentiment, and a particularly optimistic one, but it's completely untrue for me. I find one reason to hate someone and let that eat away at me until there's nothing left. And I hate that about myself. I always tell myself when I meet someone new that I'm not going to do it, but I find that once we've stopped speaking that I did do it without realizing that I was. And then I say that at least I'm self-aware. But what has that really gotten me?

All that being said, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I was wrong.

I think it's important to know where your strengths lie and what your weaknesses are, and consciously try to improve on them. I think it may be the most important thing. Because no matter how many relationships you have in your life, you'll be with yourself the longest. And that's the one you really need to work on. So, in honor of Valentine's Day and the romance and couple-ness that goes along with it, I'm going to review myself.

In the words of the immortal Marilyn Monroe, "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little bit insecure."

As much as I love you, I love me more and I always will. The only thing I love more than myself is my cat, Clutch, and that's only because she doesn't need me. I'm independent to a flaw, or at least I want everyone to think that I am, but I'm also the loneliest person that I know. I get annoyed when you talk to me too much, and I get annoyed when you talk to me too little. I will never admit to you that my thoughts contradict each other.

I don't talk about my feelings and I don't want you to talk about yours. I won't tell you when something is wrong, but I will expect you to read my mind. I have an extremely short temper and tendencies towards the dramatic. I can be really unforgiving and a total bitch.

And now that you're all really turned off, let me try to think of the positives, which are a lot more difficult for me to talk about.

My memory is selective. In your favor. I may get mad and blow up at you with a laundry list of complaints, but the following day, week, month, year I will ALWAYS only remember the things I did wrong and the things you did right. You just have to wait out the anger.

I am shockingly, almost unbelievably undemanding. (Although some people may disagree with this one.) I can count the number of things I have asked boyfriends to do for me on my fingers and toes. That being said, if I do ask you do something and you don't, I will pout, sulk, yell, explode, and generally not be please with you. I may not like all the things you do, but I will never tell you not to do something. I hate making decisions, so I will go along with almost any idea you come up with. If you ask me to try something, I have to really not want to do it to say no. I will try to make you happy even if it makes me less so, relationships and friends alike.

Even if I am terrible in a relationship, I am a really good friend. I may talk until your ears bleed, but I'm also a good listener. I ask people how their day is because I honestly want to know. I may be a bitch, but I also care about people. If you lie, I will swear to it. If you need to hide a body, I will help you and not tell a soul. And I know how to take one for the team. If you have an annoying friend who needs to be kept company while you hit a cute guy/girl, I am your girl. I can smile and make nice with the best of them.

I know how to laugh at myself, and I do often. I can take a joke at my expense and I'm not easily offended. I love beer and sports, and I adore any cat, dog, fish, hedgehog, snake, or any other pet that you may have. Except spiders. A girl has to draw the line somewhere.

I tried to make it fairly balanced, but I'm starting to think that posting this is going to blacken my future love life considerably, but life is all about risks, right? And I've got to say, this is the most narcissistic thing I've ever done. It was kind of fun.

Happy day after Valentine's Day, everyone <3

February in Vermont: a joke review

So this semester I'm taking a Reviewing class and the first couple of weeks we had fairly serious conversations about the merit of Black Swan and what constitutes a "good" review, as well as what the reviewers responsibility is to the reader. So I was glad to take a step back from all that discussion and be able to write a fun review of last week's snow-mageddon. For those of you who don't live in the Burlington area, the snow was accompanied by Mass Hysteria and Canceling Classes the Night Before. Here's my review. Hope it makes you giggle as much as I did writing it.

Mother Nature Gets Back to her Roots and

Shows Winter in a Way That Will Dazzle

No one can say it's an easy job being Mother Nature. Controversial in the past, Mother Nature's work is often panned by critics for either playing it "too safe" or "revealing too much", but with last week's episode of February in Vermont, she struck the right balance between covert and obvious. I think it's safe to say that no one walked away from the episode disappointed.

February followed a storyline similar to those we've seen in the past--everything is very picturesque and quintessential until Snow enters the scene and begins to destroy the town Godzilla-style--but Mother Nature managed to both tone down the obviousness of Snow's attacks and yet bring  out a more forceful and assertive performance from Snow than we've seen in the past. It was refreshing to see the young actor actually act rather than puff out his chest and strut around to make himself known.

Snow really needed the success of February to bring back his career after a slew of failures, such as Christmas in June and I'm Going to Ruin Your Graduation Party, where he played in a supporting role so bad the critics said, "The only thing relevant that Snow will do in the future is keep the toilets clean for serious actors". But in his guest role in Wednesday's episode as a terrorist covering windshields and roads alike, he brought something new to familiar territory, and really dazzled in the role.

Mother Nature also brought something that was new and interesting for her. Her work with February has been limited to working with Ice and Temperature playing the role of Bitter Cold, so it was refreshing to see her take a step away from that and bring Snow in a guest role. Wednesday's episode was just what she needed to bring audience interest back to the show.

Mother Nature has been known for her use in visuals, most notably for her subtle use of color in last fall's mini-series, Autumn Leaves, but it was the simplicity of February that delighted and charmed audiences. It seems Nature has found her calling in keeping things one-toned and clean. It allowed her to focus her efforts on the more psychological side of the subject matter, which is where she really shines.

Audiences will love and relate to February in a way that hasn't been seen in a weather series in a long time. The last time we've seen one with such heart was in 1998's Rain Showers in July. February come onto the scene just in time to show audiences that weather series are still around and have fresh things to say. This series, and Wednesday's episode in particular, are worthy of being watched, especially if you are a fan of Snow's earlier work. This is his best performance to date. I wouldn't be surprised if Nature brought him back in a future episode.

There was an encore performance on Saturday evening for those of you who missed it during the premiere, and it was equally as satisfying the second time around.

My experiment with an experimental film

“And to the anonymous anatomical specimen—to the single still dreaming hair on his brow with its desires to disturb the wallpaper.”

With these words, the Brothers Quay "Rehearsals for Extinct Anatomies" begins and throws the viewer into a whirlwind world of dancing barcodes and bouncing balls. The 14 minute video begins by showing a grotesque "anatomy" attempting to rub away a hair on his forehead while his eyeball frantically looks around the room, keeping a watchful eye over all of the buzzing objects around him. Just as the hair pops off from his forehead, the orchestra of the objects begins and the story moves from a quirky little symphony of various objects to a statement about society.

The camera shifts into a darkly lit and ominous space where two figures, apparently struck with leprosy, are lounging. The man is laying in the bed while the woman leans against the wall rubbing her own forehead in imitation of the anatomy outside the door. As the story, and the orchestra, move forward to the climax and end of the video, the camera moves back and forth between the dark and well lit rooms, demonstrating the juxtaposition between the two sides.

The point that the Brothers Quay are trying to make in this short are unclear, of course, because that’s how these types of the “experimental” films go—they are designed to be purposely vague and make little sense. That being said, the point that I thought they were trying to make with the film was this: curiosity is something that controls us and turns us into something else. Let's walk through the "plot" again to illustrate my point.

The film opens with the grotesque anatomy rubbing at the stray hair on his temple. He is the god of this world; everything he does creates a reaction from all the other objects (and the lepers) in the room. If he had just left the hair alone, we would have seen a completely different short, full of puppies and meadows. But he just couldn’t leave it well enough alone because curiosity is a driving force in our lives. He had to keep going, and the consequences of his actions are shown through the woman in the room who is imitating his actions. Enough of those tired old tales about curiosity killing cats, the Brothers Quay are clearly showing the audience that it will give you leprosy.  Now, that’s a statement.

It has been my experience that experimental films try too hard to make statements, and this one was no exception. If you want to say that ugly, crazy-eyed creatures are gods that control our lives and that curiosity is going to give you an incurable, contagious disease, I am of the opinion that you should just say that instead of making a 14 minute video of string/wire people dancing around to some violin music. But maybe that’s just me.